How to raise emotionally stable and happy children
The million-dollar question that every parent wishes they knew the answer to! And if anyone ever tries to sell you a "guaranteed" answer to this question, then that’s a major red flag.
The truth is, we are all different human beings raising other little human beings—each with their own unique needs, fears, and temperaments. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to parenting, but there are definitely practices we can adopt that will positively influence our children’s development and wellbeing.
As parents, we can only do our best with the knowledge we have. My goal through this blog is to help you make more informed, conscious choices when it comes to raising your children—so you don’t blindly repeat what was done to you or swing too far in the opposite direction into permissive parenting.
Let’s dive in and explore how to raise emotionally stable and happy children through conscious, connected parenting.
Parenting: A Complex but Beautiful Journey
Human beings are complex. We all have unique epigenetic modifications, lived experiences, brain types, temperaments, and child-parent relationships that shape who we are. But no matter our background, we share a common goal: to raise secure, self-assured, and happy children who will grow into independent, emotionally intelligent adults.
Conscious parenting builds a solid foundation for emotional wellbeing. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about understanding and nurturing the emotional needs of your child—creating the conditions they need to thrive. And the science behind this is clear: neuroscience and attachment theory show that a loving, secure environment is far more beneficial than a strictly authoritarian upbringing.
The Key to Emotional Stability: Meeting Your Child’s Needs
One of the biggest misconceptions in Western parenting is the belief that children should learn to "self-soothe" by being left to cry it out or by having their emotional needs ignored. This notion comes from outdated psychological theories like behaviourism, which were initially developed to control behaviour with rewards and punishments, and often used on animals, not children.
The truth? Babies and children are meant to get their needs met. They simply can not survive without these highly effective techniques for Meeting their needs—whether it’s responding to a crying baby, comforting them during a tantrum, or simply offering love and attention—does not spoil them. On the contrary, it builds a secure foundation for their emotional health.
When babies cry, despite common misconception, it’s not manipulation—it’s a biological, well adapted, signal that their needs must be met for survival. Ignoring a baby’s distress doesn’t teach them to ‘self-soothe’ - a term invented by Dr. Thomas Anders in the 1970’s - but rather teaches them that their needs don’t matter. Neuroscience has debunked the idea that babies can self-soothe, especially in the infants earliest stages. Babies need their caregivers to help them regulate their emotions, feel safe and create an environment supportive to the development of their nervous system and brain.
The Impact of Early Experiences on Emotional Regulation
Understanding the science behind emotional regulation is key to raising emotionally stable children. Babies are born incredibly vulnerable. They have no way of regulating their own emotions or calming themselves down. Instead, they rely on their caregivers to soothe them and help them learn how to manage feelings of distress.
When we respond to our child’s emotional needs with warmth and consistency, we help them develop the neural pathways that will later enable them to regulate their emotions. Withholding this care, or responding with harshness or neglect, can disrupt this process and contribute to emotional insecurity down the line.
As adults, we may have been conditioned to dismiss our own needs, especially when it comes to setting boundaries. So, when a child screams or cries, it can trigger discomfort in us—we may even feel like they are doing things deliberately. However, these emotional responses are often rooted in our own childhood experiences. When we recognise this, we can begin to respond to our children with empathy and patience, rather than fear or frustration.
The Power of Self-Awareness: How Your Own Nervous System Affects Your Parenting
If you've ever felt an overwhelming urge to "just control the situation" when your child is acting out, it's worth considering the role your own nervous system plays in those moments. When we experience stress or dysregulation, our bodies can react in ways that feel out of our control—especially if our own emotional needs have been neglected in the past.
This is where self-awareness becomes crucial. Learning to understand your own nervous system and how it impacts your responses to your child can be transformative. When we are able to regulate our own emotions, we can better support our children through their emotional challenges, without getting caught up in the stress of the moment.
As a parent, it’s important to recognise when you are triggered by your child’s behaviour. This awareness allows you to pause, take a deep breath, and respond in a more thoughtful, calm manner—ultimately teaching your child that it’s okay to feel big emotions, but it’s how we manage them that matters.
Navigating Tantrums and Meltdowns: Understanding Your Child’s Emotional Development
When toddlers throw tantrums or get inconsolably upset over something seemingly trivial, it’s easy to feel frustrated or even helpless. However, these outbursts are actually an important part of your child’s emotional development. They are not trying to annoy you (despite being incredibly annoying at times, lets be real!!)—but they are simply lacking the emotional regulation skills that haven’t yet developed in their brains.
Young children’s brains are not fully capable of logical thinking. When a toddler gets upset over something that feels trivial to us, like the colour of a cup for example, it’s likely the culmination of many smaller frustrations or needs that have gone unmet. The cup is often just the tipping point which pushes them out of their tolerance, and let’s remember tolerance is a skill like any other so it will take time to gain!
Responding with patience, compassion, and understanding allows you to teach them how to cope with disappointment, anger, and sadness in a healthy way. It is our job to model this to them.
The Role of Discipline and Boundaries
One of the most common misconceptions about conscious parenting is that it means giving children everything they want, all the time. This simply isn’t true. Conscious parenting is about understanding your child’s needs, while also setting boundaries that help them feel safe and secure.
Children need structure. They need to know that there are limits to what they can do, and these boundaries help them feel secure in their environment.
“If you grow up with secure attachment you learn that life is about connection. If you do not grow up in a securely attached environment you learn that life is about survival” - Russell Kennedy
But setting boundaries doesn’t mean being authoritarian or punitive. It means being consistent, calm, and compassionate while guiding your child toward appropriate behaviour.
When boundaries are enforced with love and respect, children learn that their feelings are valid, but that they can’t always get what they want. This helps them develop emotional resilience and self-control—skills that will serve them throughout their lives.
Why Emotional Awareness Matters: The Benefits of Conscious Parenting
As we’ve explored, emotionally stable and happy children are not the result of giving in to every whim or controlling their every move. They are the product of a parenting style that is rooted in empathy, emotional awareness, and an understanding of child development. Conscious parenting helps children learn emotional regulation, builds their self-esteem, and nurtures their sense of security.
By learning about brain development, attachment science, and your own emotional triggers, you’ll be better equipped to create a supportive, nurturing environment where your child can flourish emotionally.
How I Can Help: Parenting Support and Coaching
If you’re struggling to implement these principles or keen to learn more, I’m here to help. Conscious parenting isn’t easy—it takes time, patience, and a lot of self-awareness. But the rewards are immense. To learn more about how you can implement these strategies in your life, you can read more in my other blog post "What is a Parent Coach and Why Might I Need One?" or book a free clarity call with me today. I’d love to support you in raising emotionally stable and happy children.
