Shy or Self-Aware? Rethinking Confidence in Kids

The question all parents want to know the answer to - how do you raise confident kids? Let me first challenge the narrative of what is deemed as confidence within society, and what confidence is not.

When parents come to me for coaching, one of the most common goals they share is they want their children to be more confident. Often, parents comprehension of what confidence is leads them down a path that unintentionally takes them in the opposite direction to where they’re aiming for.

Many parents believe a confident child is one who is always outgoing, speaks up in a crowd, or jumps into new experiences without hesitation. From surface level, it makes sense this really does appear to be confidence , but if we step back and actually think about it: real confidence isn’t about being loud or fearless - it’s about being deeply connected to oneself, knowing what feels right, and trusting that inner voice.

It’s the ability to stand firm in who you are, even when it doesn’t match what others expect. It’s the child who says “No, I don’t feel like playing right now” instead of forcing themselves to join in. It’s the child who watches from the sidelines before deciding they’re ready to engage. It’s the child who knows they can return to their parent whenever they need a moment of attachment before stepping back into the world more independently.

In adulthood, we admire confidence as the ability to tune into personal truth, make independent decisions, and resist the pressure to follow the crowd. Be authentic, be whatever you truly are - whatever that looks like externally. Yet, when children display these same qualities, they’re often labelled as shy, too sensitive, or difficult. It’s time to shift our perspective.

What are we afraid of?

Pressuring a child to ‘feel fearless’ ironically comes from a fear within US. Teaching them to appear fine when they are in fact scared only teaches them to suppress and hide their true feelings. It brings a sense of shame and does the opposite in building intrinsic and genuine strength and everything to encourage people pleasing traits in an attempt to feel accepted and praised despite what’s actually going on for them internally.

We might feel uncomfortable watching them hesitate to join a group. We might worry that if they don’t speak up, they’ll struggle in life. We might fear they’ll miss out or be left behind. However these fears often come from our own experiences - times when we felt pressure to fit in, when we were told confidence looked a certain way, or when we wished we had felt safer expressing ourselves.

So we nudge, we encourage - we might even push. Not because our child needs to be different, but because we need reassurance that they’ll be okay. They’ll be accepted.

Real confidence doesn’t come from being told to just go for it. It comes from being trusted to move at their own pace.

Confidence is not ‘they will like me.’ Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t.’”
- Christina Grimmie

What confidence in kids really looks like

Confidence isn’t about always saying yes. It’s about trusting yourself enough to say no when needed and putting your needs ahead of what it appears to everyone else. If we nurture this in our children when they are young and as they grow, they’ll have much more self assurance to be able to say no in their teenage years when peer pressures reach new levels. As parents, our job is not to push our children to be more confident by social standards - it’s to foster their ability to trust themselves.

Here’s a few ways that we can do that:

1. Show unconditional love & acceptance

Children feel best when they know their worth isn’t tied to what they do but rather who they are. Your child should never feel they have to earn your love through achievements, behaviour or being a certain way.

Instead of: “I’m so proud of you for being brave and playing with the other kids!”
Try: “I love seeing you choose what feels good for you”

This reinforces that they are enough exactly as they are and free to explore what is right for them.

2. Let them lead

If your child doesn’t immediately join a group at the playground or says no to a play invitation, trust their timing. Rushing them or labelling them ‘shy’ sends the message that their instincts are wrong. True confidence means honouring their readiness rather than forcing participation.

Instead of: “Ah she’s shy! Go on, go play! Don’t be shy!”
Try: “You’ll know when you’re ready. I’m here if you need me.”

This builds self-trust and reassurance that they can move at their own pace without pressure and that you’ll be right there when they need.

3. Praise effort, not results

Confidence grows from within, not from external validation. Instead of praising outcomes (“That’s an amazing drawing!”), focus on effort and self-reflection.

Instead of: “Wow, that’s beautiful!”
Try: “You put so much detail into that. What do you think about it?”

Asking them to reflect builds intrinsic confidence, meaning they won’t rely on others to feel good about their achievements and themselves.

4. Let them teach you

Confidence flourishes when children feel heard and respected. One way to do this is by letting them teach you - even if you already know the answer. This shows them their thoughts and knowledge matter.

Instead of: correcting them right away or saying ‘yes I know’
Try: “Oh, that’s interesting! Tell me more.”

This gives them the space to express themselves, reinforcing that their voice is important and appreciated.

5. Create a safe space for big emotions

A child who feels safe expressing their emotions without judgment or “fixing” learns to trust their own feelings. When they come to you upset, resist the urge to distract or solve the problem. Instead, hold space for them.

Instead of: “Don’t be sad, it’s okay!”
Try: “I hear how sad you are. That makes sense. I’m here with you.”

This teaches them that their emotions are valid and that they have the capacity to handle hard feelings.

6. Respect their opinions (even when you disagree)

Confidence isn’t having the “right” opinion - it’s feeling safe to express thoughts without fear of being rejected. Encouraging your child to share their ideas (even if you don’t agree) helps them develop independent thinking and models extra skill building of respecting other people’s beliefs and discussing in a healthy way rather than dismissing and being defensive or argumentative.

Instead of: “That’s not true.”
Try: “That’s an interesting perspective. What makes you think that?”

This allows them to form their own beliefs while learning to listen to differing opinions without feeling defensive.

7. Trust that they know when they’re ready

A truly confident child doesn’t feel pressured to meet social expectations - they move at their own pace, knowing they have a safe base to return to. Some kids jump into new situations quickly, while others prefer to observe first. Both are valid.

Your job isn’t to push them into readiness - it’s to trust that they know when the time is right.

Instead of: “Go say hi! Ahh you being shy?!”
Try: “You can go over whenever you feel ready. I’ll be right here.”

When children know they can check in with you for reassurance, they feel safe to explore when the time is right for them.

The confidence they’ll carry into adulthood

When we redefine confidence for our children, we set them up to grow into adults who:

• Trust their instincts instead of seeking approval.

• Know they don’t have to follow the crowd to belong (which is even more paramount during the teenage years).

• Feel safe expressing their emotions without shame.

• Make decisions based on their values, not external pressure.

A child who is allowed to be themselves - without labels, without pressure, without the expectation to perform confidence - will grow into an adult who moves through life with true self-assurance and a higher self esteem.

So next time you feel the urge to push your child into confidence, pause and ask yourself:
Is this about their growth - or my own fears?

The more we trust them to be themselves, the more confident they will truly become.

What’s one way you nurture confidence in your child? I’d love to hear your thoughts! 💛